The Unseen

I leaned against the concrete wall of the parking deck. I pulled the black fleece, my boyfriend had lent me to stay warm, snug around me as a cool breeze whisked by. Then, we saw it! It peaked up above the ground, bringing with it, oranges, pinks and yellows. Oh the treasure of seeing a sunrise!

Then we thought about how many people were still asleep on this Saturday morning. They were in bed and snuggled up while God put on a beautiful performance. The funny thing is, in many ways, we are very unaware of what God is doing. We forget that every moment has more miracles than our minds could comprehend and our eyes can see.

I complain so quickly. I understand so little. That is the problem, I understand so little and I trust so little! Even if I never understand the "why",can I still trust the God who makes the sun appear everyday? Can I trust the God who made the sun? Who made the earth? Who made...me? Can I trust that even though tears, struggle and confusion will be a part of my finite understanding, one day there will be no more tears? Can I trust the God who is in control of the ancient time and the things to come (Isaiah 46:10)?

Oh I pray I never let my small world view drown out that God is God and in control - all of the time.

Dare to say it!

I bought an old "Good Housekeeping" magazine for $8. I saw it when I was looking through a pile of magazines at an antique store in the beautiful, historic, city of Savannah, Georgia. What caught my attention most about this "secular" magazine was the title of one of the articles, "Dare to say it out loud: "Unchastity is a sin!"" I thought this was a unique article to be advertised on the front of a magazine considering today it is not uncommon to find articles titled, "12 ways to satisfy him in bed," on the cover.

On the four hour drive home from Savannah, I flipped through the magazine as my friend drove. I would stop on pages with advertisement about how to get rid of "infectious dandruff that even your children are not immune to" by using Listerine, and laugh at the thought of having minty fresh hair. My friend soon reminded me of the article about unchastity and it wasn't long before the weight of the article had it's affect.

The article starts out addressing how to approach the topic of chastity with daughters because the author of the article, Phyllis McGinley, is a mother of three daughters. There is so much wisdom in this article, I wish I could share the whole article with you. But here are a few of my favorite excerpts:

"Our daughters have known for a long time just how babies are born, and have accepted, we hope, their theoretical knowledge of sex gravely and sweetly. But the tides of spring run strong. Home ties are breaking off, and to the confusion of new voices and circumstances and the competition for popularity will be added the pulse of their own blood. Curiosity, even, will have its urgent pull."

"...I have also thought about the problem deeply, and I know what I, for one, shall do. It's a very iconoclastic thing; it has not been mentioned at all in any of the dozens of pamphlets and tomes I have dipped into. But it seems sanest. I shall remind my daughters simply that there is such a thing as right and such a thing as wrong. I shall commit the dreadful heresy of talking about sin."

"...to tell them that they must withstand temptations because temptations are merely urges toward immature behavior, is to give them stones when they pant for bread. It is to weaken the muscles of their characters."

""But what about guilt?" ask my opponents. "When the young believe in sin, they must necessarily feel guilty if they commit it. Is not that destructive?" From my fallible viewpoint, I do not think so. For sin implies forgiveness. One who has done a wrong can be sorry and recover. If he is generous enough, he can even forgive himself. But how does one go about forgiving oneself for a lapse in taste or a gaucheries?"

"So what in the end shall I tell my daughters about chastity before marriage? of course, I shall be sensible and point out the ordinary social penalties attached to any other conduct...But I shall also say that love is never merely a biological act but one of the few miracles left on earth, and that to use it cheaply is a sin. In fact that is what I have already told them."

There are so many good quotes in this article but those are a few of the ones that stood out to me. Sadly, I think it is hard for us to often call things sin that are sin because we don't understand forgiveness and that we do not having condemnation in Christ. I have so many more thoughts on this but I do not want to lengthen this post any more. Please leave your feedback.

Mother Dear

When I think about my Mom and what she has done for me, certain thoughts tend to come to the surface of my memories more often than others:

~When I was 8 or 9 years old. My Mom came home from shopping with one of my sisters and she walked up to me with a little jewelry box in her hand. Inside was my very first locket. My Mom had heard me talking about how much I wanted a locket and she took the time to pick one out for me. It wasn't my birthday or Christmas, it was a "just because I was thinking of you," present.

~When I was 18, I worked as a full-time nanny and would often be the only one up in the house when I left for work. One morning, as I hopped into my Mom's van (which she was letting me borrow while I saved up for my car), I noticed a note in the cup holder. It was a simple note that said "Good Morning Heather, I hope you have a wonderful day!" It was a simple note but it made my day (and week and...well I still have the note).

~When I was 19 and living in Texas. My Mom often sent me care packages with fun items like wax lips or handmade curtains. I was going through one of the lowest times in my life and so my Mom would often call me daily in addition to sending me letters and emails. Some of her advice has stuck with me ever since. My favorite card I received said, "A mother knows her daughter by heart" on the front of it. I remember thinking how true that statement was.

As I have thoughts about these moments over my life that have stuck with me, I noticed a theme. My mom played the role of my comforter and nurturer to me. Today especially, I am very thankful not only for all the skills my mom taught me and all of the school she faithfully taught but also for nurturing this fragile girl as she turned into a woman. It is all of the little things that make mom's so special. So today, I want to wish my Mother a very Happy Mother's Day. I love you so very much Mom!

A Blessed Breakdown

There is nothing like a busy schedule and a lack of sleep to remind me of my humanity. My self-control seems weaker than ever and what is really in my heart comes blasting through my actions.

The other day, I lost it. I sat sobbing on my bed crying out to God, "I can't keep going!". I needed that meltdown more than I would like to admit. It was a point of liberation.

I had put the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt the need to be perfect or at the very least, reliable, in every area of my life. My school work, internship, work, family, friends, apartment, church and the list could go on. I honestly have too much on my plate to be able to fulfill that desire in every area of my life. And I didn't know how to handle that.

So as I sat talking through my issues with my sister over a piece of moist, rich, homemade, chocolate cake, clarity started to come.

What was I living for?

I had started living for the goal of being excellent in everything. If I fell short of that, I felt like a failure. I am so glad I became a complete failure a couple of days ago. I am glad I grew bitter at my friend and that I failed a project. I am glad I couldn't take a nap because stress had taken over my body and caused my adrenaline to rush through my veins. I am glad because it took those actions to show what had become of my heart.

Since that point, I have started down the challenging journey of correcting my thoughts and renewing my mind on a life lived for the Lord. I still have the same responsibilities in life but my heart has a different desire - for the Lord to show me what it means to be truly human by constantly seeking what He wants me to put as my priority or HOW He wants me to complete my tasks. He created me for a reason and He is the only one that can show me and live through me what that reason is.

So now, I am asking the Lord to show me what has caused me to be bitter at my friend (sadly, I was hoping I would be able to confront my friend but it wasn't her fault, it was my sin...grr!). I am learning how to better plan my time to get projects done and resign the project if I just really don't have the time to get it done.

It takes purposeful protection to keep my heart focused on the Lord. It takes God's grace to keep pursuing me. It is a glorious thought that it is even possible!

"You are beyond my vain imagination and my misguided piety" -Rich Mullins

Death

I have heard it a million times, "life is fragile" but this week it hit closer to home. Three loved ones of my friends have passed away. One of them was younger than me.

A man died this week from slipping on ice the very same night I slipped on ice-I just fell in a different manner. That was all that kept one of us alive and caused the other to leave this earth.

There is such a small veil between this life and the next.

I was talking with a friend who just lost a dear loved one not too long ago. We talked about how mysterious death is. What happens to all the love you poured into someone? What happens to all the love you have been given by someone? When they die there is no longer a "thing" to represent that. The relationship has been terminated.

So many tears have been shed this week. I can't help but feel the pain of my grieving friends. Their relationship with their loved one on this earth is over. Some expected and some sudden.

Then I think about the people that died. All of them were believers. They no longer have to face pain, hurt, tears, sin and death. They are done with it forever! I celebrate with them! Oh to have pure fellowship with my Lord! What a beautiful thought!

It is just a thin veil away...

One of my favorite authors, Philip Yancey, described miracles as being little hints of what creation will be like one day. He said it was like a sneak peek into the hope that is to come.

Just as death does, each miracle can remind us that the veil of eternity is so thin. We are living in eternity, it is just that we still have to deal with sin and death while on this earth.

This causes me to greatly ponder if I live my life like I am in eternity. If I take death and miracles as reminders of this. Was that sin really worth it? Was making my name known really worth it? Was not choosing to go the "extra mile" really worth it?

In the words of Switchfoot, "We were meant to live for so much more!"

Engagement

I am sitting on my porch on this warm, fall day. I wish I could tell you how beautiful the trees are. Sadly, they are mainly brown and green.

Last year they were beautiful shades of red and oranges and yet I appreciate them more this year than last.

I think it has to do with engagement.

No, not that kind.

The engagement that keeps your heart fully involved.

I remember at the beginning of summer getting together with some girlfriends for dinner. We sat outside and had the music of a man playing his guitar and singing to an awful soundtrack of soft rock, in the back ground.

It really was quite terrible.

As my friends and I talked, one friend hesitantly opened up about sin she has been battling. However, what we all didn't realize is that we were all discouraged by the same sin in our own lives. It ended up being a time of confession and edification of truth.

I don't know if I know how to stay in that place. I often put up a wall where I only want people to see the positive side of me and if they do see my weaknesses, I want them to see the ones that are associated in cases where I am the victim (spiritual abuse, a break-up, discouragement at work or school).

Last night, my church had a requiem service. It was a time to come together as a church and mourn the loved ones of the church that had passed away. I didn't have anyone to morn and honestly, I did not know what to do with myself at the service. But I felt the need to be there. I needed to be with those who, according to Jesus, are a part of my body. Their grief is mine.

At the service my pastor made a point that I had to learn just months earlier. The best and healthiest grief is the kind you face. It is the kind you do not try to minimize and the kind that you do not try to rush. You steadily face it until it has been dealt with. What an uncomfortable engagement that is!

This brings me to my most recent pondering - engaging with friends fully, even letting them see my sin. I recently had a friend tell me "Heather, you don't have to be perfect, in fact I prefer the non-perfect friends. It makes me feel less inadequate"

These thoughts are all over the place. Kind of like the thoughts in my head. I guess, what I am trying to say is that I want to be in the moment engaging in life no matter how challenging, fearful, wonderful or exciting it may be. I am far from staying there because it is vulnerable and sometimes very unpleasant.

Healing and Forgivness

When my broken heart could barely handle how I had been hurt and wounded by brothers in the Lord, hearing words that challenged me to forgive, love and pray for the brothers, were almost too much to hear.

How? How can I do that when the pain is so great and has lasted so long? How can I let go of what has caused permanent change to my life?

But here I am. Able to forgive. Able to move on. Able to pray for the very people that hurt me.

It started with grief and anger. Anger at the injustice done. Grief at the pain. It started with many many questions of “why?” and fear that it would happen again.

It continued with brothers and sisters, grieving with me. Entering into my grief. Crying by my side. Telling me it was not right.

It continued with them speaking truth “One day Heather, you must learn to forgive. You must pray for them. You must realize that you are in need of forgiveness too. The pain may always be there but God is able to take away the sting. God is able to redeem.”

Anger. Tears. Fears. Peace. The cycle continued and at times consumed me.

But then, changes started to take place. I heard stories of others who had been through painful times. The comfort of not being alone came in. Then I saw how some of the most painful times became some of the biggest blessings in these stories. To have someone paralyzed say that she wouldn’t take the accident back for anything because without it, she wouldn’t have discovered the depth and richness of a relationship with God, struck a deep cord in me.

Could pain be a blessing in disguise?

I learned that the response to the pain was pivotal. I could choose to let bitterness, resentment and frustration at my life being forever changed take place. I could continue to ask “why?” or I could choose to say “Whatever my lot, You, Lord, deserve my life, my love, my all. You are God and worthy of praise regardless of what happens in my life(reference the story of Job).”

I no doubt would not know the God I know now, without the pain and hurt I experienced in the past. I know so much less about God now but what I know, I know so much more.

My pain is not my identity. God is.

I have sinned and wronged others. I have sinned and wronged God. And yet, He forgave me. I have been sinned and wronged and I can forgive. I have been forgiven much so let me forgive much.

“You give me life and now I give it back to You
With everything You’ve done for me
It is the least that I can do
You fill my heart with a love I’ll show the world
With everything You’ve given me
I could never give enough” -Jason Morant