Engagement

I am sitting on my porch on this warm, fall day. I wish I could tell you how beautiful the trees are. Sadly, they are mainly brown and green.

Last year they were beautiful shades of red and oranges and yet I appreciate them more this year than last.

I think it has to do with engagement.

No, not that kind.

The engagement that keeps your heart fully involved.

I remember at the beginning of summer getting together with some girlfriends for dinner. We sat outside and had the music of a man playing his guitar and singing to an awful soundtrack of soft rock, in the back ground.

It really was quite terrible.

As my friends and I talked, one friend hesitantly opened up about sin she has been battling. However, what we all didn't realize is that we were all discouraged by the same sin in our own lives. It ended up being a time of confession and edification of truth.

I don't know if I know how to stay in that place. I often put up a wall where I only want people to see the positive side of me and if they do see my weaknesses, I want them to see the ones that are associated in cases where I am the victim (spiritual abuse, a break-up, discouragement at work or school).

Last night, my church had a requiem service. It was a time to come together as a church and mourn the loved ones of the church that had passed away. I didn't have anyone to morn and honestly, I did not know what to do with myself at the service. But I felt the need to be there. I needed to be with those who, according to Jesus, are a part of my body. Their grief is mine.

At the service my pastor made a point that I had to learn just months earlier. The best and healthiest grief is the kind you face. It is the kind you do not try to minimize and the kind that you do not try to rush. You steadily face it until it has been dealt with. What an uncomfortable engagement that is!

This brings me to my most recent pondering - engaging with friends fully, even letting them see my sin. I recently had a friend tell me "Heather, you don't have to be perfect, in fact I prefer the non-perfect friends. It makes me feel less inadequate"

These thoughts are all over the place. Kind of like the thoughts in my head. I guess, what I am trying to say is that I want to be in the moment engaging in life no matter how challenging, fearful, wonderful or exciting it may be. I am far from staying there because it is vulnerable and sometimes very unpleasant.