When my broken heart could barely handle how I had been hurt and wounded by brothers in the Lord, hearing words that challenged me to forgive, love and pray for the brothers, were almost too much to hear.
How? How can I do that when the pain is so great and has lasted so long? How can I let go of what has caused permanent change to my life?
But here I am. Able to forgive. Able to move on. Able to pray for the very people that hurt me.
It started with grief and anger. Anger at the injustice done. Grief at the pain. It started with many many questions of “why?” and fear that it would happen again.
It continued with brothers and sisters, grieving with me. Entering into my grief. Crying by my side. Telling me it was not right.
It continued with them speaking truth “One day Heather, you must learn to forgive. You must pray for them. You must realize that you are in need of forgiveness too. The pain may always be there but God is able to take away the sting. God is able to redeem.”
Anger. Tears. Fears. Peace. The cycle continued and at times consumed me.
But then, changes started to take place. I heard stories of others who had been through painful times. The comfort of not being alone came in. Then I saw how some of the most painful times became some of the biggest blessings in these stories. To have someone paralyzed say that she wouldn’t take the accident back for anything because without it, she wouldn’t have discovered the depth and richness of a relationship with God, struck a deep cord in me.
Could pain be a blessing in disguise?
I learned that the response to the pain was pivotal. I could choose to let bitterness, resentment and frustration at my life being forever changed take place. I could continue to ask “why?” or I could choose to say “Whatever my lot, You, Lord, deserve my life, my love, my all. You are God and worthy of praise regardless of what happens in my life(reference the story of Job).”
I no doubt would not know the God I know now, without the pain and hurt I experienced in the past. I know so much less about God now but what I know, I know so much more.
My pain is not my identity. God is.
I have sinned and wronged others. I have sinned and wronged God. And yet, He forgave me. I have been sinned and wronged and I can forgive. I have been forgiven much so let me forgive much.
“You give me life and now I give it back to You
With everything You’ve done for me
It is the least that I can do
You fill my heart with a love I’ll show the world
With everything You’ve given me
I could never give enough” -Jason Morant
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