A Blessed Breakdown

There is nothing like a busy schedule and a lack of sleep to remind me of my humanity. My self-control seems weaker than ever and what is really in my heart comes blasting through my actions.

The other day, I lost it. I sat sobbing on my bed crying out to God, "I can't keep going!". I needed that meltdown more than I would like to admit. It was a point of liberation.

I had put the weight of the world on my shoulders. I felt the need to be perfect or at the very least, reliable, in every area of my life. My school work, internship, work, family, friends, apartment, church and the list could go on. I honestly have too much on my plate to be able to fulfill that desire in every area of my life. And I didn't know how to handle that.

So as I sat talking through my issues with my sister over a piece of moist, rich, homemade, chocolate cake, clarity started to come.

What was I living for?

I had started living for the goal of being excellent in everything. If I fell short of that, I felt like a failure. I am so glad I became a complete failure a couple of days ago. I am glad I grew bitter at my friend and that I failed a project. I am glad I couldn't take a nap because stress had taken over my body and caused my adrenaline to rush through my veins. I am glad because it took those actions to show what had become of my heart.

Since that point, I have started down the challenging journey of correcting my thoughts and renewing my mind on a life lived for the Lord. I still have the same responsibilities in life but my heart has a different desire - for the Lord to show me what it means to be truly human by constantly seeking what He wants me to put as my priority or HOW He wants me to complete my tasks. He created me for a reason and He is the only one that can show me and live through me what that reason is.

So now, I am asking the Lord to show me what has caused me to be bitter at my friend (sadly, I was hoping I would be able to confront my friend but it wasn't her fault, it was my sin...grr!). I am learning how to better plan my time to get projects done and resign the project if I just really don't have the time to get it done.

It takes purposeful protection to keep my heart focused on the Lord. It takes God's grace to keep pursuing me. It is a glorious thought that it is even possible!

"You are beyond my vain imagination and my misguided piety" -Rich Mullins